


From Now On

by sserendipityy



Category: SHINee
Genre: Five Stages of Grief, I hope it heals someone, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Other, POV Second Person, POV from any member, basically everything I felt, healing process, my thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-18
Updated: 2018-12-18
Packaged: 2019-09-21 13:34:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,831
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17044679
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sserendipityy/pseuds/sserendipityy
Summary: It was a harsh, abrupt adjustment. Like forgetting you had one less step on the stairs and come tumbling down. Like when you unconsciously raise your hand so it can fall on the familiar curve of a knee to only meet thin air.orSomething I wrote as a healing process





	From Now On

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, I started writing this early in January and often had to take a break from writing this. This first started off as something I can just vent through but it ended up being something more. I hope this helps someone as it helped me while writing this. I love Jonghyun and SHINee with everything I have and I'm sorry if this comes off as disrespectful or hurts someone for it is not my intention, I just thought of posting this. 
> 
> Throughout the pain and anguish, I hope you will find brighter days.

It was a harsh, abrupt adjustment. Like forgetting you had one less step on the stairs and come tumbling down. Like when you unconsciously raise your hand so it can fall on the familiar curve of a knee to only meet thin air. 

There is a millisecond when you forget the loss. That half a second when things seem to be in the right place and that that one step would be present and the warmth of a human being will catch your hand. It is that fraction of second you cling onto when realization seeps into your bones and you feel your hand bounce against your hip and feel the agonizing pain in your right ankle.

-

You wait the excruciating long wait when you're thousands of feet in the air waiting to reach your destination. You wait and anxiously tap your foot against the floor as you wait to hear that the news are not real. You wait to get a phone call that will tell you that everything is fine. That you'll be able to go back and keep working. You'll wait to hear the voice you so desperately want to hear again. You'll wait to hear the contagious laughter over the phone. You'll wait. And wait. And wait. But it'll never come.

When your feet touch solid ground, it still feels like your floating. It feels like everything is spinning but your motionless. Everything feels so lifeless so impalpable. You don't even realize your feet taking you to the familiar tinted van that everyone gathered in. 

Everything is blurry, and not because of the car whizzing through the streets. You feel sick to your stomach and it's difficult to breathe when you see the colossal building towering above in the night sky and the plaguing camera men invading the entrance. 

You take a deep breath once the car comes to a stop. 

You try to prepare yourself to walk through the taunting revolving doors. You try to prepare yourself to pass by the bright ignorant flashes. You try to prepare yourself to comfort the scratchy wails and emotionless expressions. You try to prepare yourself to see your right hand man, your brother. 

But when you get past the revolving doors and past the senseless cameras and drag yourself up the stairs and see the cold face that was usually bright and lit up the whole world, it completely ripped you apart. 

Nothing could've prepared you for this. 

You felt the bile rise from your throat and your heart twisted, leaving you breathless. Your knees grew weak and wobbled and if it wasn't for the familiar warmth holding you up, you weren't sure you were going to be able to get back up if you fell. Your stomach was in knots, clenching and unclentching with every painful intake of air. Your throat constricted and you felt the enormous ball block your airway. You couldn't breathe. You couldn't even formulate a word - just a foreign strangled noise that escaped out of desperation. You saw your trembling hand reach out to caress the soft material of his suit. You tried looking for the steady heart beat you so desperately wanted to hear, to make it seem like this is all a dream, but you're only met with the coldness of the blinding white buttons of his shirt. You want to caress him, to hold him and protect him from the cruelty of the world. You want to have another 3 am conversation with him and drink yourselves into a stupor.

But we can't always get what we want.

-

It was a harsh winter. The rain had lost the ambient temperature of early fall, freezing and paling your skin on contact. The atmosphere was filled with an ominous brittle silence and the vapor of your breath disappeared with the wind. The hopeful cherry blossoms are withering away with the bitter cold. They no longer glide around a delicate kiss or stand proudly against the sun. Instead, the vacant branches shiver and the fading pink reminds you how short life truly is. 

You look at them, even though everyone's eyes are on you, you focus on the people you grew up with. Your heart pangs with guilt when you see the coldness in their eyes and the slumped defeated shoulders that now carry tons of weight. You all huddle together and the croak in your voices, the tear stained faces and the agonizing pain is shared between all of you. 

When you walk outside, the board that has his name etched on it feels like a thousand pounds. The casket you were carrying felt like it would force you to the ground yet it felt so light as if you were flying - something so unreal. You tried to swallow down the lump that was in your throat. You tried to ignore the itch spreading through your nose. You tried to choke back your whimpers and tried to clear your blurry vision as you were walking towards the sable vehicle. 

You held her hand, and held it tightly, to try to ground her. Because she too lost her brother. She didn't want to believe he wouldn't be able to hold her again, to mess up his dyed hair and make fun of him for changing it once again. She didn't want to believe he wouldn't sing her to sleep on a bad night, or take her shopping. She didn't want to believe he wouldn't be there to fling his arm around her shoulder and hear him laugh. She didn't want to believe he was really gone.

She would always have his smile engraved in her head. How he tipped his head back and how his eyes made a crescent when he laughed. How his cheeks would crinkle and he would flash his perfect white teeth. How he would crouch down clutching his stomach when he laughed too hard. How his boisterous raspy laugh echoed throughout the house. How can she ever forget? 

She lost her hero, the person she admired with every step he took and every word he talked. The one person who would ground her when all she wanted to do was fly with the birds. She lost her companion for life. And that shredded her heart into millions of pieces and flung her brain out the window until she had no function or motivation to even move. 

You saw them carry him, feet dragging against the ground, heads focused on the frozen concrete. They delicately laid him in the vehicle - so lightly, as if one touch would make the whole thing crumble. The snow-white blanket embraced the cold brown casket, and you hope that it's protecting him from the frosty cold winter on his journey.

You stared at the wooden overcoat, you felt the tears prick at your eyes, you clenched your hands and cleared your throat. It wasn't until everyone stood back, ready to depart when you turned your head and looked for the comfort of your leader that the tears finally spilt. They came slowly at first, one by one, until you heaved for oxygen and the tears burst forth like water from a dam, spilling down your face. You felt the muscles of your chin tremble like a small child and pressed your face against his shoulder. He clutched you tightly and held you in silence, patting your back softly as your tears soaked his chest. 

You are hurting.

You are in complete misery. 

Something so disastrous caused havoc inside you until you were flipped inside-out. You were angry and frustrated and wretched and sorrowful. You were angry that you couldn't grieve in peace, that in the moment of loss and sorrow, the camera men were blaring and profiting from everyone's pain. Even after they tore him apart inch by inch, they're ignorance still shined through and disrupted his ascent. You just wanted to rip the camera away from their hands and shout at them until they went away. You wanted to cover your ears to stop the constant clicking and you wanted to shut your eyes to make the flashing lights disappear.

You were wretched and sorrowful because you lost your right-hand man, you lost something so pure and good in your life. Throughout all the chaos, you had him. 

And now he's gone. 

But among it all, you were full of guilt. 

You hated yourself for not calling him that morning and discussing your plans with him. You regret not telling him just how much you appreciate him and how he was loved so much. You wanted to meet him again in the hallway when both of you couldn't sleep and tell him that everything will be alright. Even if they were just words. Because you guys had each other. You hated yourself for not doing anything in order to prevent this. You felt so disgusted with yourself that there was a moment when you thought you didn't have the right to be standing there before him.

Your hands clutched the frame harder and you were afraid you were going to break it. You caressed the gleaming cold transparent glass and closed your eyes trying to imagine he was right in front of you. You pictured his smile and the wrinkles that grew next to his eyes. You just wanted to see him one more time. Even if it was just for a second. You wanted to tell him he did well, and how he made the rest of the four complete. 

You still had so many things to say, but they will be left unsaid. And your love that has nowhere to go, will settle in your heart and constantly remind you of what you had. 

-

Everything passed by in a flash and before you knew it, you were saying your farewells to everyone. 

The place seemed to dim and the snow accumulated quickly, strangling the land as the pale moon hung in the sky sadly. The dead leaves stilled with ice and the concrete cracked with the cold. In any other case, it would have been a winter wonderland. But now, the cold ached your bones and bit your skin painfully.

After three days, you began to understand his feelings, his reasons. It seeped into your brain slowly yet all at once and it made you want to scream. Because while you sat side by side, all of you shared the mutual understanding of what had happened, and how he felt. Because there were days when you didn't want to get up from bed, when you isolated yourself from each other and let it control you. No matter how hard you tried being strong and smile for the cameras, it sometimes got too much. 

He was alone. For many years he was trapped unable to breathe, unable to get up from bed. He was in a sauna for years - he felt his heart clench up and no matter how hard he tried to get a breath of fresh air, his lungs clogged up and the mist air made him feel like he was drowning. He was crying for years, he was hurting for years, he felt alone for years. 

There was a moment when you were relieved he was gone. You were relieved for a split second because now he wouldn't be hurting. He would be at peace and he would be able to breathe again. He would be safe, away from the world's harm and tragedy. 

But after that split second, that feeling would vanish and you were filled with pain. A pain so strong that it would penetrate through every cell, and it would physically ache. Every single fiber of your being would shake and cry until you couldn't even open your eyes anymore. 

It was a split second you had to cherish. To convince yourself that he was okay and that maybe it was for the better, because he'll be able to live again. 

You looked down at the puddle of murky water next to your foot. You saw your reflection and saw the bags of your eyes growing more noticeable from the lack of sleep. You saw the puffiness of your face and the red on the brim of your eyes. You stared back at your cold, dark, colorless eyes. You almost couldn't recognize yourself. You felt your shoulders sloop down and felt the coldness of the snowflakes melt as it hit your cheeks. 

Everything seemed so opaque. The snow lost the bright white and became dark as it blended with the muddy earth. The suits looked all the same - wrinkly with a penetrating black. The eyes that shined with familiarity became dark and their cheeks hollowed in like a cave. The city seemed lifeless, even the moon was desperate to shine brightly. The dark, burnished casket was too still and it taunted you with every second that passed. 

You never hated the color brown more than you did now.

\--

Once everyone stood side by side trying to look for each other's warmth, you stared at the haunting rectangular chest. The snow that constantly fell dried up its tears and left the world in complete silence. Everything was completely still. It was as if it were waiting for something to happen, for someone to drop a pebble and wake up the peaceful angel from its slumber. The trees sagged with the heavy weight of the white powder, the identical tombstones protected their own, and red noses sniffled constantly, but not from the cold. The white puffs of air falling from your lips were the only reminder that time did not stop.

The coffin gleamed in the early morning light. It was expertly crafted not to only bring comfort to the departed but to try to soothe living as well. It was built with love to be the final resting place of one who had been so adored in their lifetime. It's faux-gold handles and polished sheen helped to reduce the trauma to wracking waves that were at least more manageable. You had to see him in something of beauty, something that showed what he had meant to everyone. They laid flowers on the top that would be placed at the gravestone, everything beautiful to hide a reality their hearts could not bare. They hoped he would be in complete tranquility and would be able to comfort them whenever they needed to feel closer to him. 

You stared at the red rose that was tucked in your suit. It hung sadly and the red stood out like a sore thumb among the dark suits. You gently took it in your hand and caressed the ragged green stem until you felt a sharp prick on your thumb. You stared at the crimson liquid falling from your fifth finger, the bright red contrasted with the white snow as it dripped silently. But it did not sting, it did not bother you as much as it usually did when you would get a paper cut while flipping pages or on a sharp end of your microphone. You did not feel a hint of pain until you saw the drops of water hit the outside of your hand. Two perfect ovals stood still and you stared at it intently and confused. You did not realize you were crying until more spilled on your hand and you tasted the salty liquid running to your lips. Then suddenly you heard a croaked sob and it took you a moment to realize it was your own voice. 

Everything began to hurt, the prick on your thumb pulsated with every wracking sob that hit you. Your heart clenched and your lungs were desperate for oxygen but the foreign sounds that were escaping from your lips blocked your airway. Your head thumped with pressure with every second and the ball from your throat landed on the pit of your stomach so hard that you had to clutch it and you felt the bile rise from your throat once again. Everything hurt. It hurt to breathe. It hurt to stand. It hurt to move. It hurt to even be alive. 

You cursed silently at the sky, to whoever was up there, to whatever was up there. You cursed at them until your voice died out. Because it was not fair. It was not fair that the world was so cruel to someone who gave everything to it. 

You were brought back to reality when you felt a pair of arms gently clutch to your side and helped you stand straight. You looked into his eyes, the same eyes that brought comfort no matter what the situation was. You saw his tear-brimmed eyes and your heart tugged in haphazard directions. He was still putting you first instead of being selfish and grieving because he worried about you more than himself. You knew things would never be the same, but those brown magnificent eyes reassured you and reminded you that you guys had each other.

You took the rose into your hand once again breathed in the scent it left. It was so fragile yet beautiful, the fragrance intoxicated you. Then you felt a warmth envelope you. It did not come with a heartbeat or the dark woven sleeves. It came with the wind and helped you find a small ounce of relief. It felt like him.

After a moment, the four of you took a step forward to the casket covered in different hues of flowers and gently placed the rose at the center. You stood still and caressed the chest once more and hoped it would bring him comfort. You tried to pour every ounce of love that you have for him and let those three words silently fall from your lips.

Once all of you stood back and they took him away, you looked at each other before retreating to a room. The silence was deafening, and the atmosphere weighed you down. You felt so lost, you didn’t know how to function you didn’t feel anything, you weren’t even sure you were breathing properly. Everything was a blur, the dark greys of the room combined with the white fluorescent light and the dark patches on the floor reminded you where you were. The benches weren’t brown, the carpet wasn’t bright red, and the frame hung on the wall became blanch. Everything became colorless, you only saw white and black, everything seemed to lose its purity and beauty. 

You could not begin to describe what you felt in that moment. In the moment of loss when you lost everything, you became insane. You wanted to bargain anything you had left, give anything, do anything just to have him back. Although you kept a stoic expression, your thoughts and feelings were haunting you. While your heart clenched, your stomach was twisting in knots. While your anger began to rise, your head felt completely oblivious and prevented you from grasping the reality of a tragedy. You never felt a pain so sharp yet so dull. You were inbetween feeling everything yet nothing at all. It was something you hoped to never feel. 

You felt like you were missing something, you weren’t squished against the bench as you usually were. Instead, you had to ability to move around. 

It was haunting when you realized five became four. 

-

The six of you stood silently as you took in the delicate white urn that laid on the platform. A brown chest protected the beautiful vessel and the patterns distracted you from the reality of the situation. The flowers designed the box brought a sense of comfort, he loved flowers, he was especially fond of roses. You smiled slightly as you remembered how big his smile was when you found out you were having a photoshoot with enormous roses. Two capsules stood on the opposite end of the chest full of small mementos from his life. But that white urn, with a delicately placed gold cross in the center in between his name and date stole the show. The bright vase was simple yet magnificent. The rose gold flowers that tangled around the end of the container gave it a lighter feel and look. It provided him with warm and beauty. 

The cylinder reminded you of the reality you were facing. Although you were reluctant and afraid to grasp the situation, the dust was slowly settling. You felt your eyes start to sting despite trying to blink them away. You weren’t ready to say goodbye, you weren’t ready for the dust to settle and let your mind believe you would never physically see him again. You wanted to have more moments with him. You wanted the five of you to go out and eat thousands of delicacies despite the warnings. You wanted another chance, another lifetime, another moment. You wanted this to be a dream and pinch yourself awake. But no matter how many times you dug your nails into your hands and counted your fingers, you knew this wasn’t a façade. It was a nightmare you had to wake up to everyday. 

Many hours later, it was time for you to leave. You slowly moved to the girl who grew up beside him and engulfed her in a warm hug. You felt her tears soak your shoulder and felt her shaking and you wished you could take all the pain away from her. You whispered comforting words to her in hopes of calming her down and slowly released your grasp when she thanked you. You hugged the woman who helped him become the man he was. She looked so small, her face showed no expression and the stone-cold orbs completely tore you down. She lost her own blood, one of her children and it took a chunk of her. 

You gently placed your hand on the glass that protected the beautiful urn. You were glad you got to see him in something of beauty, something to emphasize how important he is and how exquisite he was as a person. You laid your head again the crystal-clear glass and felt the cold against your forehead, but you didn’t care. You closed your eyes and pictured him being at peace, you wished him well, you thanked him for all the memories he gave you and the love you had for each other. You thanked him for those ten years that he spent right by your side. You promised to never forget him, you vowed to him that you will always keep his memory alive. You whispered his name numerous of times, a last plea.

“Jonghyun, Jonghyun, Jonghyun, Jonghyun…” 

You will never forget him, you will continue to say his name and never let him become something taboo. You would try to repay him for everything he gave you and did for you. You hoped the pain will lessen, because you wanted to embark on something new. Something that always keep him alive. You exhaled softly and caressed the glass unconsciously.

“You did well, I love you.” 

-

You hoped things would stay the same. You wanted people to treat you the same, the indifference would make it more real and painful. You didn’t want to see the pity in their eyes, it made you sick. You didn’t want to hear the same repeated question every minute of your life, it was irritating. 

Although you knew they were doing it out of consideration, it pulled your heart strings and caused a shift in the atmosphere. You were frustrated that they were treating you like a delicate piece of glass that would shatter with a touch of a finger.

You just wanted to breathe. All eyes were constantly on you. You were being examined through a microscope and you didn’t like it one bit. You just wanted them to leave you alone if all they had to offer were the same empty words. 

Getting back into things was difficult. You had projects you had to finish and roles you had to take but you had to put in the extra effort to just get up from bed. The winter cold still lingered and no matter how many jackets you had on, it didn’t bring you any comfort or warmth.

The days were dragging yet it passed like a blur at the same time. You couldn’t get an ounce of sleep because your thoughts would have you running a marathon. The bags under your eyes became more noticeable and you felt disgusted just looking at your reflection. You had no motivation to get up, you wanted to lounge in your home all day and think about nothing yet everything at the same time. 

You saw the sunrise and the hues of the different oranges as it faded into the sunset until it turned completely dark and you realized you were in the same clothes that you were in last week. But you did not care. You couldn’t bring yourself to care. Although you knew you must’ve smelled horrible, you couldn’t make yourself get up from the couch and take a shower and prepare yourself a meal and make your bed or answer the knocks on the door asking for your weekly of your rent. 

You felt the nails in your chest that prevented you from breathing properly. They were forcefully nailed in your heart and no matter how hard you tried to relieve the pain, it would quietly linger and thump as the tears fell softly on your lips. 

Soon it was enough to drive you crazy. You were bargaining things that you knew weren’t going to be granted to you. You did not want to live in a world without him. It seemed so useless to continue walking around knowing he will never come back. It was so dark without him. A never-ending tunnel that would make you go in circles. It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair. You did not feel the pain run through your hand as you repeatedly hit the wall. You did not feel the shards of the glass as it dug into your feet. 

No physical pain could overshadow the pain you were feeling from the events of December 18, 2017. 

\--

As you sat at the table read you couldn’t help but look around you. Although everyone’s eyes were on the script, you couldn’t help but feel an awkward atmosphere. They had soon gotten the message that you just wanted to be treated the same but they had no idea how to do that. They wondered how someone can put up such a strong façade even though you were going through hell. 

You couldn’t focus on the words in front of you. The lines became blurred and the voices died down and all you could think of was him. You tried to stray your thoughts back to the script but you felt your throat tightening up. You rubbed your face in frustration and tried to take a deep breath but it made you feel worse when you realized how shaky it was. 

You wanted them to treat you like a normal person but you couldn’t even act like it.

Before you realized what you were doing, you suddenly got up and excused yourself and left the room after the head director gave you a nod. You hurried to the closest restroom and locked the door after you made sure no one else was there. You placed your hands against the sink to make them stop shaking and slumped your shoulders as you stared at the luminescent white of the sink. 

You felt your stomach churning and saw numerous of drops hitting the oval shaped sink. You felt like you were back to that day. You felt like you were getting the news all over again, you felt like you were back on that mustard colored floor with the taunting white walls as you stared down at the four-sided rectangle. Soon, you started gasping for breath. You choked down sobs and let your fingers entangle themselves in your own hair as you begged yourself to stop crying. You hit your chest repeatedly and tried to convince yourself that that would make the pain in your chest go away. You hoped it would stop feeling like it was being torn apart. You felt your throat become dry as you heaved for oxygen, but it felt like nothing was coming. 

You wanted it all to stop. You wanted to stop the tears falling from your face. You wanted to stop the stares that were constantly being directed towards you. You wanted to stop being buried under the pit with no sunlight. You wanted to stop feeling like you couldn’t go on another day.

You were tired of the opaque blotches on the snow and the empty nights in your room as the snow covered the corners of every window. You just wanted spring to come and wash away all of the remnants the cold winter left. You wanted it to bring warm showers and beautiful roses.

But it was freezing. And the snowfall did not slow down.

-

The grey wall stood still has the shadow of the window laid across it. The wind was whistling through you room as it snuck in through the small opening from the window, bringing in small speck of snow. You laid motionless against the blue comforter as you stared at the small slit of the mullion as it brought it in the crisp air. You were bundled up in covers from trying to sleep but no matter how still you laid or how long you closed your eyes, you couldn’t get an ounce of sleep. You knew you should get up and close the window before your room would become freezing and drench the hardwood floor, but you couldn’t bring yourself to move an inch of your body. 

Instead, you continued to stare at the transparent glass as the snowflakes pushed against each other eventually falling to the floor and dissipating from the opposing temperature. You could feel yourself becoming angry and annoyed just by looking at the water streaming down the wall and the whistling that came from the window. You clenched your teeth and shut your eyes tight and hoped when you opened them the window would somehow be closed and the floor perfectly dry. But no matter how hard you closed your eyes or clenched your teeth the window was perfectly still in its previous position. No matter how angry you were about it not closing or annoyed when you knew you would have to clean it eventually, but you couldn’t move a single limb.

Your eyes shifted to the blaring red numbers that read 4:45 am. The bright red was almost blinding as it cut through the darkness of your room. You don’t even remember when was the last time you got a decent amount of sleep. You’ve been spending your days taking ten-minute naps and drowning yourself in caffeine. You couldn’t sleep, no matter how much you wanted to, no matter how much you _needed_ to. Your energy was drained but you weren’t doing anything productive. You felt like there was nothing else to do, that life and time just all stopped at once. It should have. But then you would see the oranges painted in the sky as it became morning. 

It irked you that time did not stop. It bothered you and upset you in a way it maybe shouldn’t have. It wasn’t fair. The seconds still ticked, the lights in the crosswalk still changed its color, day turned into night, people still walked blissfully, but you wondered why you couldn’t do the same. You became a statue on your bed who had no motivation to close the stupid window or turn up the heater or change your sheets. Everyone and everything were doing their jobs, but why were you like this? You felt like time should stop, you felt like everyone should stop, it wasn’t fair that people were still walking around with a fond smile playing on their lips as they ate with their lover, it wasn’t fair how the sun still rose every morning, it wasn’t fair how time kept slipping from your fingers nor how people’s talks began to die down. 

It all just wasn’t fair.

You still couldn’t afford to look back at those memories you had with him. It hurt too much. It hurt to still feel him in everything you did. He still lingered through the air and although it was supposed to be comforting, you felt like you were suffocating. You couldn’t will yourself to go to sleep because a part of you was afraid you’ll see him in the distant consciousness of your dreams. You weren’t ready to think of him in such a way. It just left a new hole in your heart as you woke up to the emptiness of the sheets and tear-soaked pillows. 

You tore your eyes away from the blaring clock and shifted towards the other side of your bed. You shivered slightly and suddenly remembered how the window was still open, letting the puffs of snow inside. You rolled your eyes and willed yourself to stand up and go close your window. But when you were finally sitting on your bed, your body rumbled against the wracking sobs that fell from your lips. Your hands shook furiously as you quickly tried to wipe the tears coming out of your eyes. But you soon grew tired and for the first time, you let yourself completely fall apart. 

You didn’t try to choke down the pained noises escaping from your lips, you didn’t try to stop yourself from crying and let the tears stream haphazardly down your face, you didn’t try to pound your chest in order to direct the pain you felt in your heart to something else. You just let yourself tremble and cry like a little kid. You bent forward on the bed, pressing your palms against the mat and cried with the force of a person vomiting on all fours. Soon, your sobs grew louder in volume and you were sure your neighbor would be concerned but you didn’t care. You were tired of putting up a façade in front of the cameras, you were tired of trying to smile when you greeted someone, you were tired of taking a deep breath before you entered a room, you were tired of swallowing the lumps that snuck in your throat, you were tired of hiding the pain and the sleepless nights you spent trying to distract your mind. You were just tired. 

Soon, you were gasping for breath and you rolled into a ball and fell against your soft comforter. You felt like you were a little kid again, throwing a fit because you couldn’t get a candy at the store or when you were upset because of the kids who threw rocks at you at the playground. You just wanted someone – anyone – to be at your side and hold you and tell you that everything was going to be okay, even if it were just words of comfort. You wanted to be in your mother’s warm embrace as you wet her pajamas from the snot and tears that you let out. You never cried so hard, so much, before this. You couldn’t remember another time that you hurt this much. You hiccupped every time you breathed in to only release a sob as you exhaled. The shallow breaths you took were scattered and you sounded pathetic, but you couldn’t bring yourself to care. 

After about two hours, you began to calm down slowly. You had trouble breathing, your throat was raw, and your head was thumping in pain. You were exhausted, you never knew you could cry this much nor just how much you pent everything up. You felt your eyes grow heavier with each passing second. Although you were mildly disgusted because of all the tears and snot you cried out, your body was shutting down and the last thing you saw before you closed your eyes was the faint light of the sun starting to rise. 

-

Things didn’t become easier, they just became more manageable. You learned how to wake up every morning despite the pain that oozes in every one of your limbs, you learned how to smile despite the lingering emptiness in it, you learned how to go back into society despite the dull ache that haunted you. It wasn’t the same, it would never be the same, the pain that came with December became a part of you. 

Your feet reluctantly took you up the stairs that met the studio all of you met up in last year. The familiar blurred window brought a sense of nostalgia. You remember walking in last year and seeing the boys laughing and gobbling down kim-chi while excited hands ran through the control panels to prepare for the big concert. Their smiles were bright, in a state of oblivion as the five of you enjoyed the comfort of each other. 

But when you walk in, you’re met with crooked smiles and heavy eyes with an eerie silence. The room somehow felt smaller, colder, and you gave them a small smile back as you gave them a hearty hug. Every surface you touched brought him back, his creativity still bounced around the walls and when his voice filled in the room, you felt like he was whispering it to you only. The aura his voice held was enough to make castles crumble and bring the sun after a storm. It was so distinct that you could pick it out from a crowd every single time. You felt a tug on your lips when you first heard his voice and had to do a double check because there was no way a voice like his could come out from the ‘Rockstar’ boy the company tried to dress him up as.

You didn’t realize tears were streaming down your face until you felt a hand on your shoulder. Once you looked up, you were met with brown eyes that understood everything and felt everything you did in that moment. 

You were nervous for the concert, but you wanted to do this for him. To thank him and never let his voice dissipate for it was to exquisite to be silenced.

And for the first time in a while, you gave a genuine smile and chuckled as you heard his laughter ring through the speakers.

\--

Winter still hovered over the city and ran chills through your spine as you longed for the warmth of spring. You couldn’t remember how you spent the past summer or the plans you had to finish up before the season was over, you couldn’t remember anything but how empty and harsh it was. You felt like winter was all you knew, you felt the boulders of snow pile up on you until you couldn’t see the light. You felt like Winter stayed for a century. 

The days were counting down making you nervous by the second. You read the malicious comments everyone directed at you, you saw the inhumane actions, you saw it all and you began to doubt everything. You were so angry with everyone – even those not in the fault. You remembered reading the first comment and it made you want to bang your head against the wall. You were so confused on why people would think you were doing this for the money, doing this for the fame. You just wanted the bring comfort to those who needed it – some closure – but you began to second guess everything and you weren’t sure what direction to go anymore. You were hastily roaming around and had no clue what to do.

You were snapped out of your thoughts when you began to be ushered into the van everyone else was in already. It was quiet, you could sense the mix of emotions in the car and you tried to ignore how free your legs were when you sat down. 

You remembered being scrunched up against each other as all of you tried to fit into one van and how your legs would entangle themselves in each other as grunts of annoyance filled the small space. You often grew exasperated about the ruckus and tight space but now, you wish you can have all of that back. It wouldn’t matter if the door would be digging into your hip or your feet being stomped on, you just wanted it all back. 

The trip to the dome was a blur and it brought back that unsettling feeling when you first made your way to the hospital. Once you arrived, you let your feet take you to the gigantic arena that you stood just the year before. You realized how drastic things could change within a year, within a month, even a couple of seconds. 

You couldn’t look at the producers and team in the eye yet, it brought too much, it still hurt too much. They weren’t just a team, they became a family and they too lost him. 

You made your way to the dressing room and for a couple of hours, silence proceeded and all you heard were the shuffles against the floor, blow dryers blaring and the periodic clinks as makeup products were rotated. It all felt familiar yet strange. You could feel the empty presence in the room and the heavy hearts as they longed for something – someone – who wouldn’t come. You felt the subtle buzz of the music playing from the dome and prepared yourself. 

The four of you stood up and huddled against each other putting their hands slowly, one by one. Your fingers shook slightly as you laid your hand against the others and waited quietly. You were brought back to last year as the five of you stood side by side at rehearsal, how you went to greet the camera man and how five hands rested upon each other, anxious to get on stage. You smelled the faint musk radiating from him as he stood by you, his eyes scrunching up as his lips moved quickly spewing out a speech seconds before the time came. You remembered how radiant he was and how his laugh echoed through the room as the five of you intertwined hands. He was in everything you remembered, in every song, in every whisper, in every inch of your being. 

You cleared your throat as you closed your eyes, imagining his hand falling into yours right before you tossed it into the air signaling the beginning of the night. 

\--

The night was coming to an end and the aqua blue sea in front of your eyes lit up dome you stood next to each other. Despite the hundreds of people, the place was so quiet that you could hear a penny drop. You stood against the microphone and tried to avert your eyes anywhere but the space next to you. You glanced down and saw the prominent red that the rose tucked in your chest carried and caressed it softly. You shut your eyes as the piano filled the arena and grasped the mic tightly as the distinct voices filled in the empty voids. 

As his voice echoed across the stage, you felt your throat tighten and tried to not let the tears slip from your eyes. You felt like he was right there, center stage, pouring his heart to the crowd and the music. You felt like if you just opened your eyes he would be standing there, in his fine white suit as his voice climaxed into the song. It felt like he never left, and you tried to convince yourself that this was all a bad dream and the moment you opened your eyes you would be back in the studio with him. 

_I offer you all my love and endless gratitude._

Your voice wavered slightly as you harmonized with each other. You tried so hard to keep up your façade but once you opened your eyes and looked to your right, all you were met with was the white light cascading down on the microphone, a rose protruding from it. You stared at it, unable to shift your eyes, waiting for a miracle to happen. 

You tried to swallow the lump formed in your throat and tore your eyes from the center of the stage, trying to distract yourself. But before you turned away, you saw a glimpse of his hazel brown eyes and heard his small whisper right before the lights flashed and your voices morphed into one unit. 

_I swear to the stars flowing down your face, I'll be with you forever._

You felt him everywhere. For the first time in two months, you felt at ease, you felt like you just started your journey in the group when all five of you were just shy kids. Although you couldn't touch him, couldn't see him, you could feel him. 

It was then that you knew it would still always be the five of you. It didn't matter what other people would say or how obsurd it sounded, he will always be there. The words he left, the love he gave, it was all going to still be there. 

And when you look back at the ocean before you, you hoped he would be able to see it because it was all for him. Everything was so bright and it was so him. 

Although you knew things would never truly be the same, you knew he was still going to be there. There were no words, no actions that could describe how much love you feel for him and how thankful you are on meeting such a fantastic person. He became the stars, the infinite galaxies, the slight breeze, the warm winter and the moon. 

He became everything to encourage you and surround you with love. 

_I will be by your side, always._

His voice pierced through the stadium until everything grew quiet once again. You took the rose tucked in your suit and let your shaky fingers slip the stem through the microphone, tears falling silently. You took a step back and stared at it once more. 

A rose, to symbolize his love and beauty. 

The rest of you looked at each other and nodded, slowly walking backwards. Five lights shined brightly on stage, each mic hugging it's own rose. You took everything in one last time and walked away, taking everything with you. Taking everything he gave you.

And with one last whisper, you say his name, _Jonghyun, I love you._

__

The boys of May 25, 2008 will be eternal. Their light will never die out, it'll light up the way for those in need. They are ethereal, and the mark they made will never dry out nor erase. 

They will shine forever, all five of them.

Together.

**Author's Note:**

> Never forget him. Always remember him for the loving, kind, exquisite person he is and not just a face of how he left. Always says his name.
> 
> He is not truly gone, we're under the same moon and he will always be with you. Thank you.


End file.
